


Here He Was Again

by Danger_Zone24



Series: QBM Story Archive [6]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Alec helps, Angst with a Happy Ending, James Bond Has Issues, Leaps of Faith, M/M, Multi, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 02:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9694922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Danger_Zone24/pseuds/Danger_Zone24
Summary: Beginnings are scary. James has problem. Alec helps give him the little push he needs to jump into the unknown.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rigel99](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rigel99/gifts).



> Hopefully you liked reading this.
> 
> I've included a list of songs I listened to whilst writing this is at end of story.
> 
> Thanks to my friend Hannah, who helped get my ducks all in a line.

Why them? Why now? Why again? He didn’t understand. It wasn’t like he was out looking for a new partner or partners. He had had enough of holding the ones he loved as they died in his arms.

Dying because of the things he had done, the things he hadn’t.

He was the reason behind every one of their deaths, every single one. Yes, he hadn’t been the one pulling the trigger or the one wielding the knife or the one to do whatever it was, but that didn’t stop him for holding himself solely responsible. He blamed himself for not being or doing enough, even for the ones that had been proved an accident… just like his parents deaths had been.

Each death cut a little deeper, each making him a little wearier. But even that didn’t stop him from falling again and again and again. He wished his heart would learn, that it’d understand he was cursed, that he didn’t want to feel the inevitable pain.

With the beginning of each new love his broken heart would start to mend again, and he hoped that this one was the one that would finally break the streak.

The voice in the back of his mind always cried ‘I told you so’ when time caught up to him and shattered his heart into the million pieces it constantly seemed to be in.

He was scared. With both M and Q out of the picture at the same time Mi6 would surly fall. And that was something he really didn’t want to put on his list of accomplishments or fuck ups as Q liked to call them.

It also frightened him that he had fallen for both of them, at the same time.

The both of them where already in a steady relationship, and not knowing if they wanted a third was both a relief and a burden.

They didn’t complain when he started breaking into their flat when Alec was away on a mission. Nor did they complain about the bloodstains he had left on their couches and carpet if he had just returned from one, instead they just patched him, working around him and including him in their daily routines, giving him a sense of normality every so often.

He found himself drawn to them even when Alec was in the country.

It was the ease, the warmth, and the gentleness that they had with him. Knowing when to give him space. Knowing when to just be near, providing quiet friendship that helped ease the loneliness. Knowing when he needed to be challenged, to be given a distraction.

Knowing how to make him feel like he belonged, how to slowly melt his frozen cold heart. That right there, probably scared him the most.

~~

Alec told him that he couldn’t, as much as he tried, control every aspect of the future. That he should stop being so stubborn, that he should breathe and go with the flow.

James tried to make Alec understand that he didn’t want to be responsible anymore for killing people simply by loving them. The nightmares of the past continued on through out the long lonely nights and plagued him during every moment of every single day.

To let go seemed impossible to him. He didn’t want to forget, didn’t want to move on, didn’t want to let go. But at the same time he didn’t want to remember, he wanted to feel wanted again and all the other things that came with being and belonging to someone.

All these feelings were so confusing, making him want to carry on trying to be the unemotional, cold bastard that he so desperately wanted to be.

And besides what if they didn’t return his feelings?

Sighing Alec stated that there was no way in hell that they didn’t, stating that no one who was completely sane would put up with all of James’s shit for so long if they didn’t feel at least something for the man; that if love were always easy, it wouldn’t be worth it. Instead it was complicated, unexplainable, illogical and most of the time a damn inconvenience. What if this was the one that broke his ‘curse’ so to speak. Yes, it was scary. Yes, it could end badly. Sometimes a leap of faith needed to be taken.

The least he could do would be talk to them, instead of suffering in silence and get on everyone’s nerves.

James mumbled in agreement, not knowing when the other became so well versed in the subject of love, but there he was teaching him a thing or too.

Alec had a point about talking to them. It was going to be hard to do, because James didn’t do heart to hearts or talk about his emotions often, if at all. It was only because Alec knew him so well, that this one happened.

Knowing his friends struggle, Alec shoved a pen and paper in his face.

~~

_I read somewhere that you can’t love someone unless you love yourself first. I have never loved myself. But you both… I love you both so much I forget what hating myself feels like for the second before the world comes crashing back in and crumbles around me._

_I’m hoping you both care about me. I don’t understand why any one would, with my track record. But for the love of all things if you do, please don’t give up on me._

~~

Staring out of one of the windows in M’s office, James fidgeted not wanting to look at the two men reading his letter. Even with Alec’s encouragement, taking that giant leap into the unknown was overwhelming.

James breathed a sigh of relief as two sets of arms wrapped around him, and two voices whispered promises into his ears.

Promises that he had two people lean on, to help guide him through the darkness, promises that they weren’t going anywhere without a fight.

He knew he would still struggle with his past. But he knew he had his angels now.

**Author's Note:**

> Songs:
> 
> Don't Deserve You, Plumb
> 
> I'll Be Good, Jaymes Young
> 
> Halo, Beyonce
> 
> Scars To Your Beautiful, Alessia Cara
> 
> Your Life Over Mine, Bry
> 
> It's Gotta Be You, Isaiah


End file.
